I haven't written on here for a bit, but that's mostly because I've been contributing articles to the Omnibus Journal (awesome people writing about all sorts of awesome things, GO CHECK THEM OUT) so it hasn't been for lack of writing...just a lack of it being posted here. <3 P.S. I STILL LOVE YOU.
But, aside from that, I wanted to get my thoughts out there on some things. I've been bottling a lot of my feelings inside, and obviously, that is not the most effective and healthy way to live. So yeah. Let's get right down to it.
The world will tell you that if you didn't go to college to get a "traditional degree," then you are worth less. And it started before you'd even touched your well-earned, labored over, tear soaked and coffee stained diploma. I always hated being asked "What is your major?" because the following conversation was the same 99.99% of the time. The follow up question always had a condescending tone, "What are you going to do with that?" And I'm not really sure what answer people expected most of the time, because my answers never seemed acceptable. To the world, the love of something is not a logical or justifiable reason to study and pursue it as a career if it doesn't provide you with a predictable schedule and high salary. Our world believes that money is the most important thing.
I'm not saying that money isn't important...I have a little boy to feed and diaper, and those things aren't free. We need money to keep a roof over our heads, heat and a/c in our home, food in our fridge, gas in our cars, etc. But for me, I had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot be happy making money doing something that I get zero satisfaction from. I didn't study theatre just to sit at a desk in an office for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. I studied theatre because I love theatre. I love inspiring and creating things as a team. I love being a part of something beautiful and meaningful. I had to admit to myself that I'm not going to be happy doing that for the next 50 years of my life. Would I make "good money?" Sure. But I would regret never trying to achieve something greater? I think so. And I think in the long run, our family would have suffered because of it. There is a great deal of truth in the saying "If mama ain't happy, no one is happy."
So...change begins. And change is intimidating. But I'm hopeful. There are a lot of unanswered questions that are left hanging in the air at the moment, and as someone who is an organizer and an planner, that leaves me with lingering anxiety because I have a strong urge to fix them as quickly as possible. I worry about tomorrow before today has even started. So maybe it's a lesson in patience. But I'm trusting, thanks to my husband, that things are going to work themselves out. He's proved time and time again that he will always be there for me and support me for the rest of my life. He could see how unhappy I was, and encouraged me to take the leap of faith. To leave the security of a predictable schedule and steady income for a little less income, but a happier life. It will not be without it's own new challenges. But there will be a peace at the end of the day, where I will look at what I have helped create and smile. The final cue will be called. The lights will fade. The curtain will close. And we'll do it all again the next day. It's hard to explain how I get such satisfaction from this moment, but I remember the final moments from the Tempest, the last show I did. Propero comes out, alone. And he says this...
❤️ Tiff
But, aside from that, I wanted to get my thoughts out there on some things. I've been bottling a lot of my feelings inside, and obviously, that is not the most effective and healthy way to live. So yeah. Let's get right down to it.
The world will tell you that if you didn't go to college to get a "traditional degree," then you are worth less. And it started before you'd even touched your well-earned, labored over, tear soaked and coffee stained diploma. I always hated being asked "What is your major?" because the following conversation was the same 99.99% of the time. The follow up question always had a condescending tone, "What are you going to do with that?" And I'm not really sure what answer people expected most of the time, because my answers never seemed acceptable. To the world, the love of something is not a logical or justifiable reason to study and pursue it as a career if it doesn't provide you with a predictable schedule and high salary. Our world believes that money is the most important thing.
I'm not saying that money isn't important...I have a little boy to feed and diaper, and those things aren't free. We need money to keep a roof over our heads, heat and a/c in our home, food in our fridge, gas in our cars, etc. But for me, I had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot be happy making money doing something that I get zero satisfaction from. I didn't study theatre just to sit at a desk in an office for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. I studied theatre because I love theatre. I love inspiring and creating things as a team. I love being a part of something beautiful and meaningful. I had to admit to myself that I'm not going to be happy doing that for the next 50 years of my life. Would I make "good money?" Sure. But I would regret never trying to achieve something greater? I think so. And I think in the long run, our family would have suffered because of it. There is a great deal of truth in the saying "If mama ain't happy, no one is happy."
So...change begins. And change is intimidating. But I'm hopeful. There are a lot of unanswered questions that are left hanging in the air at the moment, and as someone who is an organizer and an planner, that leaves me with lingering anxiety because I have a strong urge to fix them as quickly as possible. I worry about tomorrow before today has even started. So maybe it's a lesson in patience. But I'm trusting, thanks to my husband, that things are going to work themselves out. He's proved time and time again that he will always be there for me and support me for the rest of my life. He could see how unhappy I was, and encouraged me to take the leap of faith. To leave the security of a predictable schedule and steady income for a little less income, but a happier life. It will not be without it's own new challenges. But there will be a peace at the end of the day, where I will look at what I have helped create and smile. The final cue will be called. The lights will fade. The curtain will close. And we'll do it all again the next day. It's hard to explain how I get such satisfaction from this moment, but I remember the final moments from the Tempest, the last show I did. Propero comes out, alone. And he says this...
Now my charms are all o'erthrown,And what strength I have's mine own,Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,I must be here confined by you,Or sent to Naples. Let me not,Since I have my dukedom gotAnd pardon'd the deceiver, dwellIn this bare island by your spell;But release me from my bandsWith the help of your good hands:Gentle breath of yours my sailsMust fill, or else my project fails,Which was to please. Now I wantSpirits to enforce, art to enchant,And my ending is despair,Unless I be relieved by prayer,Which pierces so that it assaultsMercy itself and frees all faults.As you from crimes would pardon'd be,Let your indulgence set me free.He's frozen in this moment by us, the audience. He cannot leave until we release him (with our applause.) And I was frozen in that moment. It was my last show, and I'd be graduating. I wanted to bottle up that feeling and remember it, and in the whirlwind of the last 2 years, I had lost it. It was a forgotten photo in my album. But when I read the words of that monologue, I can hear that actor's voice, as I had heard it about 1,000 times before that final time, in the table read, in each rehearsal, each run through, and every show. I remembered. And it was missed. And the excitement of being able to feel that again is the driving force behind any couragagous face I put on when things get tough.
❤️ Tiff
Comments
Post a Comment